Janetsiwymead's Blog

Why good news

janetsiwymead — Sun, 07 Nov 2010 16:16:43 +0000

I have decided that besides using my blog to save my own sanity and work through some of my past horrors I want to post good news. Not just good news that is in the newspapers or TV but good news that touches anyone. Your child made the honor role. or they finally learned to tie their shoes when they are disabled. The simple news that you want to share with family. I believe this news needs to be shared with the world. We need to hear about the positive things that touch our every day lives. I hope people will be able to turn to this blog for inspiration, and will also be able to share so they can inspire others.

I have had enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

janetsiwymead — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 02:41:22 +0000

So now I am a dushe Bag. I really want him out, gone good buy don’t let the door hit you on your ass on the way out. All this started because I went into the bedroom to get a hot chocolate package. I have to keep things in my room if I want any of it. It was a full box. I open it and there are 3 packages left and I state to no one Oh My God I cannot even keep things for me in my room. There is a whole package of this in the pantry but someone had to take what I put in my room. The ass hole husband (not for long) told me not to yell at him. I was not speaking to him I was not spaking to anyone just voicing my frustration so I threw the packages on the bed and left. Then I came back and screamed at him if I was going to yell at him he sure the F837 would know it. And I threw the rest of the chocolates on my bed. That is when he threw them at me and called me a dushe bag. I will not take this I buy the food he east I pay for the phone he uses I pay for the electricity, I pay for every f&^%$#@ thing how dare he call me a dushe bag!!! I am calling a lawyer to see what it is going to cost me to get him the hell out of my life.

Some one stop the world I really want to get off….

janetsiwymead — Thu, 21 Oct 2010 00:06:21 +0000

Not a good day today. I want to cry. Went to work sick my crown fell out in my mouth while I was eating and I swallowed it. Got to work the elevators are not working I cannot walk up stairs. Get through to the dentist he will see me in the afternoon. I have to call out of work on my second job. End up teaching my class but not having office hours. Went to the dentist he dis all sorts of wonderful things to my mouth. Come home and pass out from being sick and pain mends. I wake p at 7 pm and find I have no gas. They shut it off.My doctor did not fill out my papers to protect me from having it shut off. SO I will be cold and hungry tonight.My husband refuses to work and contribute to paying the bills because I have my brother (who has no income and has been trying for 2 years to get SS because no one will hire him with his medical problems) living with me. I have my son who is 31 (who pays to my electric and granddaughters school for a total of 625 dollars a month), and my 11 year old granddaughter lives with us. Her mother pays nothing to help support her. I send her to a Catholic school so she can catch up with her religion classes her mother never even had her baptized because she didn’t get around to it. The school is 4 thousand dollars plus a year. The plus is what they didn’t tell me upfront but am finding out each day. I pay fro my daughter to go to a catholic high school 8 thousand dollars a year because the town ruined my son and the lawyer said that they would take things out on my daughter. My 18 year old goes to college I paid for that and he got some money form financial aid that I mistakenly thought he would give to me to pay me back so I could pay on the bills. My electric is at least 300 a month because my husband stays up all night goes to bed when I get up and no one in this house believes in turning off lights. The food bill has tripled. I am behind on the mortgage and cannot catch up they want me to fill out papers but I don’t have time to fill them out. I have to pay for extra help with my dissertation this last paper was 900 dollars. I work 4 jobs I am tired and to sick to do this any more…so I think I will pick up my jacks and go home. (I wish I could but there is only me to pay the bills the husband refuses and then bitches when he has to do the running of the children) When will there be some help for me? when will someone be there to take care of me?

Burst my bubble

janetsiwymead — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 16:52:26 +0000

I am not even allowed to fantasize about taking a vacation next summer. I just work some weeks 90 hours and that is not an exaggeration and I am not allowed to plan a vacation. (One I know I will never be able to take, but the therapeutic value of planning can do wonders.) But it is not allowable. Just squash the joy out of me….

Stop the world I want to get off

janetsiwymead — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 00:27:40 +0000

They say if it is bad at home it is usually good at work and visa versa. Well not my life. I had students officially complain that I gave homework, that I tested from the notes I gave. My favorite was that they hear I only give C’s in the next class they need to take that I teach, they never took it just heard about me in the class. (the lowest grade that particular semester was a B). I am told I have to address this with the student and make the complaint go away or be resolved. I was told if there are any more complaints about me weather or not they are true it does not matter that I will be stripped of some of my classes that I teach. It is amazing that the students of the community college complain about every thing but the students that attend the 4 year schools I teach at love me. I had a passion for teaching. I wanted to give my knowledge about the Human Services field to students so they can help clients. But that is not what it is about. It is about avoiding any complaints giving the students the grades they want, not deserve what they deserve. I pity the the future patients.

I lost my spark. I don’t want to teach That makes me very sad. I loved teaching, but they have managed to make me feel flat make me feel numb….

I don't want to play any more I am taking my jacks and going home...

Another day another disapointment

janetsiwymead — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 22:07:14 +0000

Today I told my husband I was going to leave him if he did not take care of one bill. Something was shut off. I had a fit about it. I can only do so much. He refuses to work. He said he will not pay for anyone else’s bills. So I told him pay some of the bills that would not change weather or not there were anyone else living with us. He refused. Yet he can help make the bills. Well something was shut off and I told him if he did not get it on before I come home that I was packing mine and my daughters and granddaughters clothing and leaving him. He lucked out and the problem was with the entire street. But I still know they are about to shut me off and he will not help. I am so tired of working 4 jobs. Now I have tingling in my tongue this can be either a mild as I need more B12 that the shot has run out, or it can be a sign of MS. My life sucks. I really want to just run away. I have hold out for 2 more years I have to get my daughter through high school. II have to get her through the school activities she wants. No one ever did it for me. I want her to be able to say she has memories from high school. I never graduated from a high school I left one and went to another no memories. It is very said. especially when you hear others talk about their memories and you have none to share.

is there a light?

janetsiwymead — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 13:26:12 +0000

Is it to good to be true? Is there really a light at the end of the tunnel? Am I really going to get though this dissertation and become Dr. Lanci? I little bit of hope has come my way thorough a phone call from my professor. I pray that this hopeful information will be able to help me get through this dissertation this form that I must fill out. I hope the light however dim stays lit for me. I do not need it snatched away…

Have you ever

janetsiwymead — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 14:59:07 +0000

Have you as a parent ever wondered at what point did you lose your child? What was the incident that you know set your child from the path that he was following with his life. I have been thinking about my son and when I lost him. When his friends changed to the kind of friends I didn’t trust in my house. The kind of people you would cross the street when you can to avoid them? Well I finally pin pointed when it happened. I knew in my heart this is when it happened but I did not want to face the pain of this. It happened his second day of high school. At that time he was a boy scout enjoyed going to boy scouts had some good friends. Friends that took him on vacation with them. He was a good boy. That second day of school it wasn’t even during school it was after school well into the evening. A time that you would think the school had no control over your child if he wasn’t participating in school activities. A boy who was mad at my son went to the vice principal at school it was about 4:30 in th e afternoon. And said that my son was on school property (this was true he cut through the school property before the school was even built when it was still a park to go visit friends) and he had a knife. Yes he had a knife he always carried his boy scout knife and his totem chip stating he had earned the right to carry this knife. This boy knew this he use to be in scouts. So the vice principal found my son on the property walking toward home and asked him into his office. He asked him if he had a knife and he answered truthfully and was asked to empty his pockets he did so and also gave the totem chip. The vice principal called the principal and the principal ordered that he be arrested for carrying a knife onto school property. He would not have been in the school if the vice principal had not asked him my son had no parent there with him. We were called after the fact after the police came. The boy that told the principal then told the police that my son threatened him with the knife. Now there are two charges. We go to court the boy admits to the judge that he lied about the threatening, that my son never did this he said he was mad at my son. Did the boy get in any type of trouble at school for this no. The charges were dropped about the threatening. the judge was furious about the arrest with the knife. It should never of happened the charges were dismissed like they never happened. The principal had a fit and ordered my son out of school for 45 days. A child with learning disabilities was thrown out of school for 45 days and only given an hour a day of tutoring. Did any one think this child would really be keeping up with his classmates? Wat this child going to succeed in the school when he came back? None of the parents wanted their children to play with my son any more. His friend now all gone he gravitated to the only children that would talk to him. As much as I tried I could not get him back on the path. He would constantly tell me these are the only friends that he had. So he changed the path he was walking on. Now he is on a path that I do not know where it will lead but if he keeps this up it will lead him so far form the right path so far that family will not want to associate with him. I can do nothing but watch. But I have pinpointed the time of his life that he changed it was the second day of high school. I wish I could go back and never had allowed hi to attend this school . It was the point in which his childhood was taken from him by a man who was spiteful because he did not get his way and took it out on my son. If he was dieing and I had the cure I would not give it to him. He can rot. He changed the path my son started to take. I know now that he is of age he choses his path but he believes he is to far away form the path to make it back. He is just 18 and has given up already that man robed me of who my son might have become.

I am so tired to tired to have to put up with ungrateful children

janetsiwymead — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 02:38:13 +0000

My daughter is 15. When I was 15 I was trying to stay alive. There is much of my young life that I wish I could have changed. I did what I needed to do to survive. According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs a person need their basic needs met in order to live. A person, young or old will do what ever they need to do to have these needs met. I did not want my children to have to struggle just to have their basic needs taken care of. I wanted better for them. I did not think that by trying to make their lives better I would get such disrespectful bratty, ungrateful children.

I regret that I have not been the typical mother. I am the breadwinner in this family. I have done so shortly after Christopher was born. That is when my husband was laid off from work. This is the beginning of the end. Maybe if I was the traditional mom none of the attitudes and personality traits that my children no display.

I remember at 15 wanting so much to go to the Catholic High School, not the public high school when I moved back to CT. But my grandmother could not afford it. She worked hard for minimum wage. My father never sent her my social security check and never sent any type of support. He took me off of his insurance. So I had nothing. My grandmother struggled so hard just so we could eat, she tried so hard to give me things that my classmates had, just the basics. I remember just getting to have a small roast was a very big deal. There was food for me to eat, it was warm and filling, but it was not healthy.

There are a lot of problems with the region school system that I would have to send my daughter. They messed up my son’s education terribly. I did not want them doing that to my daughter. I also did not want the principal to take is anger out on my daughter when she didn’t do anything. With this said I took another job, job number 4 so I could pay for her to go to a Catholic High School that had a wonderful reputation. The school costs $7500.00 plus books and uniforms. My daughter is now a sophomore (10th grade). Her first year she struggled to get use to high school but she ended passing her classes. This year I received a notice that she was not doing well in a few of her classes so I took away her phone, TV, and computer until her grades improved. I relied on my husband to check on her and her work for two reasons the first is because I work all the time, and the second is because I cannot climb the stairs to check on her.

I opened the mail today she is failing all of her classes. She didn’t even pass open book quizzes. Each subject stated the same she did not turn in homework. Some projects were worth several exam grades. She had a DNA project she needed to complete was one project. Another was a 5 paragraph that she had not turned in or even started in English class.

I flipped. I sat her at the dinning room table and told her when she was not in school and until I knew her homework was complete that is where she would sit. No hanging out in her room. No TV, no radio, no cheer-leading, no swimming, no riffle and revolver club, no zoo, no scouts. No nothing! Then I asked her what her essay was about she just looked at me and refused to answer me in defiance. She sat at that table from 11 am until 7:30 pm when she announced she was going to bed because she was tired. Do I know for sure she went to sleep, no and of course the husband was doing what he does most of the time, sleep. Tomorrow we begin sitting at the dinning room table again until her homework is finished.

I even called my niece for some help some tutoring form her. My niece is a teacher. First I texted her, she never answered the text, not that I really believed she would. So I finally called her about 4 pm. My niece explained she was going to the store with her mom and would call me when she got home. It is now 9 pm and she still has not called back. I shouldn’t have expected any difference. When I call asking for help for anything for the children I can count on one hand when they have helped me, but if my husband asked they are right there to help. After 19 years you would think I would be considered family…anyway my niece I not going to help me with Alexandra’s tutoring. The tutoring center wants $3000.00. I have no more energy to work any more. I don’t have enough hours in the day to work a 5th job. She is an ungrateful little brat.

When I was her age, before I came to CT I had to worry were I could get something to eat, a place to sleep and bath, and hoping the payment wasn’t to psychologically deep for me. Everything had a price.

I have to add that this weekend I needed to work on my homework before they throw me out of my PhD program. I haven’t turned in anything for a while. I needed to have a quiet few days to work. I need to be calm and be able to focus. That did not happen. I have worked so hard to get were I am. No help, people fighting against me getting an education. I have finished all of my course work, the only thing left if to write my dissertation. A dissertation is just a very long research paper. But it is very in-depth and you need to be able to concentrate. Because I cannot do it at home and my loans are about to run out I am left with having to go to the schools writing retreat. This will cost me 1995.95 for 5 days. This includes the hotel the retreat and breakfast. I have to buy the plain ticket to AZ (that is where the next one is Phoenix, AZ) and I have to have money for food and transportation to and from the hotel and airport and if I need to go to the store for school supplies. So add another thousand dollars to the cost. I also have to find someone who can fill in form me in my classes because I do not have any more days I can take off. SO if class runs I can go without a loss in pay. I signed up for this, but that is 3000 dollars that was for bills from my income tax, not something I could just spend willy-nilly. I am so sick about this. 7500 dollars for her school and if she stays back that is another 7500 dollars, 3000 dollars for tutoring for her and 3000 dollars so I can go do my homework; all because my daughter is being an ungrateful, spoiled brat. I am sick, I cannot continue to work and pay all the bills. Don’t ask he does nothing. When he doe so to work he doesn’t contribute to the household bills nothing, not even a dime. I was told if I divorced him I would have to pay alimony. I cannot afford that; I cannot afford the attorney. I barely make the bills and no one helps me. The ungrateful daughter doesn’t even do one chore. She has them but she does none of them and it is fine wither father, again he has to supervise this because I am working so he lets her do nothing… I am so tired… so upset knowing that my children don’t give a rats ass about me and what I have worked so hard for them for.

A Sunday Memory

janetsiwymead — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 04:55:16 +0000

I have lots of happy wonderful memories surrounding my church. I remember our choir director, Mrs. Killingsworth. She was wonderful. Sing from your diaphragm she uses to say, I had no idea what a diaphragm was when I first joined the choir. She would sprinkle everyone with praise. Everyone was made to feel special. I remember when I first joined the choir I was very quiet. I remember that Bill poked me in my sides and told me to sing louder. He kept poking my sides that day until I finally got a little courage to sing a little louder just enough to finally be heard. I loved to sing, I loved the praise I received for singing. Praise I never got at home. I craved this praise as an addict to a drug. I got through my fear and actually sang a few solos at the concerts we would do at the nursing homes. I was told that when I was signing in the choir I radiated. I have so many fragmented memories of wonderful times at the church. None of them are very long; I guess they are just long enough to have kept me going when I needed them.