Have you ever

Have you as a parent ever wondered at what point did you lose your child? What was the incident that you know set your child from the path that he was following with his life. I have been thinking about my son and when I lost him. When his friends changed to the kind of friends I didn’t trust in my house. The kind of people you would cross the street when you can to avoid them? Well I finally pin pointed when it happened. I knew in my heart this is when it happened but I did not want to face the pain of this. It happened his second day of high school. At that time he was a boy scout enjoyed going to boy scouts had some good friends. Friends that took him on vacation with them. He was a good boy. That second day of school it wasn’t even during school it was after school well into the evening. A time that you would think the school had no control over your child if he wasn’t participating in school activities. A boy who was mad at my son went to the vice principal at school it was about 4:30 in th e afternoon. And said that my son was on school property (this was true he cut through the school property before the school was even built when it was still a park to go visit friends) and he had a knife. Yes he had a knife he always carried his boy scout knife and his totem chip stating he had earned the right to carry this knife. This boy knew this he use to be in scouts. So the vice principal found my son on the property walking toward home and asked him into his office. He asked him if he had a knife and he answered truthfully and was asked to empty his pockets he did so and also gave the totem chip. The vice principal called the principal and the principal ordered that he be arrested for carrying a knife onto school property. He would not have been in the school if the vice principal had not asked him my son had no parent there with him. We were called after the fact after the police came. The boy that told the principal then told the police that my son threatened him with the knife. Now there are two charges. We go to court the boy admits to the judge that he lied about the threatening, that my son never did this he said he was mad at my son. Did the boy get in any type of trouble at school for this no. The charges were dropped about the threatening. the judge was furious about the arrest with the knife. It should never of happened the charges were dismissed like they never happened. The principal had a fit and ordered my son out of school for 45 days. A child with learning disabilities was thrown out of school for 45 days and only given an hour a day of tutoring. Did any one think this child would really be keeping up with his classmates? Wat this child going to succeed in the school when he came back? None of the parents wanted their children to play with my son any more. His friend now all gone he gravitated to the only children that would talk to him. As much as I tried I could not get him back on the path. He would constantly tell me these are the only friends that he had. So he changed the path he was walking on. Now he is on a path that I do not know where it will lead but if he keeps this up it will lead him so far form the right path so far that family will not want to associate with him. I can do nothing but watch. But I have pinpointed the time of his life that he changed it was the second day of high school. I wish I could go back and never had allowed hi to attend this school . It was the point in which his childhood was taken from him by a man who was spiteful because he did not get his way and took it out on my son. If he was dieing and I had the cure I would not give it to him. He can rot. He changed the path my son started to take. I know now that he is of age he choses his path but he believes he is to far away form the path to make it back. He is just 18 and has given up already that man robed me of who my son might have become.

I am so tired to tired to have to put up with ungrateful children

My daughter is 15. When I was 15 I was trying to stay alive. There is much of my young life that I wish I could have changed. I did what I needed to do to survive. According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs a person need their basic needs met in order to live. A person, young or old will do what ever they need to do to have these needs met. I did not want my children to have to struggle just to have their basic needs taken care of. I wanted better for them. I did not think that by trying to make their lives better I would get such disrespectful bratty, ungrateful children.

I regret that I have not been the typical mother. I am the breadwinner in this family. I have done so shortly after Christopher was born. That is when my husband was laid off from work. This is the beginning of the end. Maybe if I was the traditional mom none of the attitudes and personality traits that my children no display.

I remember at 15 wanting so much to go to the Catholic High School, not the public high school when I moved back to CT. But my grandmother could not afford it. She worked hard for minimum wage. My father never sent her my social security check and never sent any type of support. He took me off of his insurance. So I had nothing. My grandmother struggled so hard just so we could eat, she tried so hard to give me things that my classmates had, just the basics. I remember just getting to have a small roast was a very big deal. There was food for me to eat, it was warm and filling, but it was not healthy.

There are a lot of problems with the region school system that I would have to send my daughter. They messed up my son’s education terribly. I did not want them doing that to my daughter. I also did not want the principal to take is anger out on my daughter when she didn’t do anything. With this said I took another job, job number 4 so I could pay for her to go to a Catholic High School that had a wonderful reputation. The school costs $7500.00 plus books and uniforms. My daughter is now a sophomore (10th grade). Her first year she struggled to get use to high school but she ended passing her classes. This year I received a notice that she was not doing well in a few of her classes so I took away her phone, TV, and computer until her grades improved. I relied on my husband to check on her and her work for two reasons the first is because I work all the time, and the second is because I cannot climb the stairs to check on her.

I opened the mail today she is failing all of her classes. She didn’t even pass open book quizzes. Each subject stated the same she did not turn in homework. Some projects were worth several exam grades. She had a DNA project she needed to complete was one project. Another was a 5 paragraph that she had not turned in or even started in English class.

I flipped. I sat her at the dinning room table and told her when she was not in school and until I knew her homework was complete that is where she would sit. No hanging out in her room. No TV, no radio, no cheer-leading, no swimming, no riffle and revolver club, no zoo, no scouts. No nothing! Then I asked her what her essay was about she just looked at me and refused to answer me in defiance. She sat at that table from 11 am until 7:30 pm when she announced she was going to bed because she was tired. Do I know for sure she went to sleep, no and of course the husband was doing what he does most of the time, sleep. Tomorrow we begin sitting at the dinning room table again until her homework is finished.

I even called my niece for some help some tutoring form her. My niece is a teacher. First I texted her, she never answered the text, not that I really believed she would. So I finally called her about 4 pm. My niece explained she was going to the store with her mom and would call me when she got home. It is now 9 pm and she still has not called back. I shouldn’t have expected any difference. When I call asking for help for anything for the children I can count on one hand when they have helped me, but if my husband asked they are right there to help. After 19 years you would think I would be considered family…anyway my niece I not going to help me with Alexandra’s tutoring. The tutoring center wants $3000.00. I have no more energy to work any more. I don’t have enough hours in the day to work a 5th job. She is an ungrateful little brat.

When I was her age, before I came to CT I had to worry were I could get something to eat, a place to sleep and bath, and hoping the payment wasn’t to psychologically deep for me. Everything had a price.

I have to add that this weekend I needed to work on my homework before they throw me out of my PhD program. I haven’t turned in anything for a while. I needed to have a quiet few days to work. I need to be calm and be able to focus. That did not happen. I have worked so hard to get were I am. No help, people fighting against me getting an education. I have finished all of my course work, the only thing left if to write my dissertation. A dissertation is just a very long research paper. But it is very in-depth and you need to be able to concentrate. Because I cannot do it at home and my loans are about to run out I am left with having to go to the schools writing retreat. This will cost me 1995.95 for 5 days. This includes the hotel the retreat and breakfast. I have to buy the plain ticket to AZ (that is where the next one is Phoenix, AZ) and I have to have money for food and transportation to and from the hotel and airport and if I need to go to the store for school supplies. So add another thousand dollars to the cost. I also have to find someone who can fill in form me in my classes because I do not have any more days I can take off. SO if class runs I can go without a loss in pay. I signed up for this, but that is 3000 dollars that was for bills from my income tax, not something I could just spend willy-nilly. I am so sick about this. 7500 dollars for her school and if she stays back that is another 7500 dollars, 3000 dollars for tutoring for her and 3000 dollars so I can go do my homework; all because my daughter is being an ungrateful, spoiled brat. I am sick, I cannot continue to work and pay all the bills. Don’t ask he does nothing. When he doe so to work he doesn’t contribute to the household bills nothing, not even a dime. I was told if I divorced him I would have to pay alimony. I cannot afford that; I cannot afford the attorney. I barely make the bills and no one helps me. The ungrateful daughter doesn’t even do one chore. She has them but she does none of them and it is fine wither father, again he has to supervise this because I am working so he lets her do nothing… I am so tired… so upset knowing that my children don’t give a rats ass about me and what I have worked so hard for them for.

A Sunday Memory

I have lots of happy wonderful memories surrounding my church. I remember our choir director, Mrs. Killingsworth. She was wonderful. Sing from your diaphragm she uses to say, I had no idea what a diaphragm was when I first joined the choir. She would sprinkle everyone with praise. Everyone was made to feel special. I remember when I first joined the choir I was very quiet. I remember that Bill poked me in my sides and told me to sing louder. He kept poking my sides that day until I finally got a little courage to sing a little louder just enough to finally be heard. I loved to sing, I loved the praise I received for singing. Praise I never got at home. I craved this praise as an addict to a drug. I got through my fear and actually sang a few solos at the concerts we would do at the nursing homes. I was told that when I was signing in the choir I radiated. I have so many fragmented memories of wonderful times at the church. None of them are very long; I guess they are just long enough to have kept me going when I needed them.

My sanctuary

Sundays would start with me getting up to go to Sunday school for 9 am. Right after Sunday School was Church that was until noon or sometimes 12:30 pm. I would go back to church for choir practice at 5pm then UMUF at 6pm and church at 7pm. All day was filled with church. I wasn’t overly religious; I just found the feeling of warmth and acceptance at church. I had friends their, no one wanted to hurt me. If I made a mistake I was shown the correct way to do what ever it was, no shouting, no popping of a belt and no beatings. I would also go to Church for the adult choir practice on Wednesdays, and to the monthly dinners on Thursdays. If I could I would be there every day. I was safe there. I joined the Churches softball team. I did everything I could to be at Woodlawn Methodist Church. I know this is a long set up for this memory but it is important to understand how much of a sanctuary the church was to me. I was returning to church after being in Juvenile hall the very first time (there were many returns from Juvenile Hall. What did I do, I ran away from home, but those are memories for another day…) all of the other kids were treating me different. They were avoiding me they wouldn’t talk to me. I felt so alone. Then one Sunday during Sunday school we were given topics to act out. I will never for get this Bo Self was my partner in this activity. We had a topic that we were able to show how everyone was treating me so we ran with it. We were to show what was the bad behavior then act out the correct behavior. We set the skit up by stating what Bob was going to verbally say were really what he was thinking that we had a window into the thoughts of this character. I as nervous about this because we were showing something about how I felt, and I was not use to people caring how I thought. So Bob was walking slowly though the classroom at first I was on the other side of the classroom I called his name he ignored me I got closer calling him trying to get him to answer to me. The we herd his thoughts which stated what did this girl want she was no good I am to good for why does she even think I would ever think of talking to her. In the mean time I am saying to Bob why won’t you talk to me what did I do wrong? We cut it off and were about to show the correct way this should be when the class started talking and asking me if this was how I felt. Bob answered what do you think? And the class, my friends said they were sorry. We never showed the correct behavior because we talked about our behaviors around the elephant that was in the room the fact that I had been in Juvenile hall. I miss my friends from church. I often wonder what happened to Bob Self …

My Sanctuary

Sanctuary

The first time I walked into Woodlawn Methodist Church I was just 13 years old. I didn’t want to go; I didn’t know anyone. I was new to the neighborhood. I just moved to Birmingham from Greensboro. Why this church? It was the closest church to where I lived. I had to walk to church. I didn’t start going to Sunday morning services right away. This was because of the things that I needed to do at home on Sunday mornings. So I started going to this new church in the evening. I was convinced to come to UMYF and the youth choir. I don’t remember how this happened. I know I started making friends. I wanted to start going to Sunday school and to morning Church. So I complained to my father I didn’t want to go. I knew if I acted like I hated Church he would make me go more. This happened. So I stated doing everything I could with the church. There was a youth choir, UMYF, the adult choir, Sunday school, summer camp; I wanted to participate in Fireside. I was only allowed to go twice. It was to late for me to go, and my father believed it was a social evening. When I stated asking to do all of these things with the church my father realized that I liked going to church. Every one there made me feel, loved, accepted and didn’t hurt me. So he started no letting me go to church. He used it as a reward. If I was good and did everything I was suppose to do even the things I had no idea I was to do (another story) I would be allowed to go to church. I will never forget what my church, Woodlawn Methodist did for me. They went to court to make my father allow me to go to church. And if I had a problem at home I could call the youth coordinator at the church to come get me and bring me to a church activity (there was always an activity going on at church). I will post more memories about Woodlawn Methodist Church, I have so many positive memories from there. One of the few places that I found sanctuary…

You wonder part two

Lets fast forward several years to when I am 13 years old. I am living in Birmingham, Alabama on 55th Street South. My father has the neighbors over for a party of sorts. I am going to babysit for one of the couples that were going to the party. I was babysitting two houses down on the right, for the children of the light bulb sales man. I remember the person came back to his house to get some records. He came without his wife. Why would he bring her he just walked two houses down. He asked for my help finding some f the records. He started kissing me and then looking for other things. He told me if I did not do what he wanted he would tell my father that I was trying to seduce him so I would get the beating of my life. This just did not happen once this happen many times. If he came to my house and no one was home but me I was to take care of him. If I baby-sat I was to take care of him. I could tell no one, I was afraid he would twist it around and I would be the person that did something wrong and get punished. His punishment was corporal punishment with a leather strap on bare skin. This went on until I ran away from home and was put in Juvenile Hall for running from an abusive home. But that is another memory for another day. The light bulb salesman never was punished for what he repeatedly did to me. As when I was a small child I survived, that is what children do …survive.

What was I thinking

I thought it would be good if I went somewhere with my husband. I don’t gamble (makes me sick to my stomach) but he does. I bought 2 tickets to go to Mohegan Sun That was 60 dollars, I bought him something to were that was 50 dollars. As we are getting ready to go he asked me how much money was I bringing? He saved nothing for this trip and I told him about it 3 weeks ago, maybe even more. So I gave him the little bit of money I save, 100 dollars. We went to the buffet, the food sucked. I do not see how people can rave about the food; Home Town Buffett has better food, and maintains the lines better. The food made me sick afterwards. It made me dump (a term that is associated with gastial bypasses) within 10 minutes of eating the little bit that I did eat. I told James then that I needed to find a place to sit down a place we could stay at for a while, as we were walking I said something again. We finally sat down to play some game that we were given coupons for and there were no instructions there no explanation on how to do anything with the game.. I got up aggravated and said something for the 3rd time to James and James state I never said anything.. I left him standing there and found my way back to the place to wait for the bus. I stayed there until the bus came 2 hours later. The only ting I bought was a chocolate and a water. I never played any of the games, never got to shop and of course I didn’t get any of my money back form James. I just have sucker written across my forehead.